Just because...

I don't want friends on facebook to know how affected I am...
I'd rather be pissed off in silence and let some random faceless people know about it...
I've been a victim of flakers for how many times...
I still feel guilty for ditching my bestfriend's offer to go to Bora in favor of a cancelled Bora trip with supposedly new friends...
I hate cancellations...
I declined Wen's Bora invite because I've given my word in favor of an impending cancelled Baguio trip...
I hate flakers...
I'm a control freak...
I've had two travel cancellations in a month (i'm still hoping for the Baguio trip to push through)...
I'm such in a foul mood right when work demands me to be Little Ms. Sunshine...
I miss my travel buddies...
I miss my friends who value the true meaning of commitment...
I'm tired of catching my twisted sunshine...
I need a good cry...
I need to reevaluate relationships...
I'm under selective detachment...

On Letting Go...

"Letting go" is probably the most used and abused concept of emo people. I don't dwell on this too much bilang strong ako because it is just not me. I hate transparency of emotions and I am not very good in answering personal questions. So I guess, I'm really not cut out for the entertainment industry because I would probably suck at Boy Abunda's Tough Ten. (bawal mag-judge. pop culture yan) However, recent events made me analyze such. (promise, lalagyan ko ng konteng puso kasi nga the subject calls for emotional dumping. keri?)
  
Letting go is said to be the hardest thing to do and deconstruct in any kind of relationship. Mikaela even wrote a pathetic song about The Art of Letting Go. A friend of mine practically erased all the songs in her Ipod except for this one and played it every chance she got right after she broke up with her bf. Of course, I wasn't able to understand kasi ako ang nang-iwan at hindi iniwan her but being a good friend, I just let her "cherish" the pain. When she came to her senses, I told her about what I read on the basic stages of letting go. You know-- denial, grief, anger, re-entry, and preparation for a new relationship. She just incredulously looked at me and said "Why do you have to intellectualize everything? Feelings are feelings. You can't switch it on and off nor can you find a step by step guide on how to deal with it on books. OC ka na, manhid ka pa!" I'm sorry? I was just trying to help and buti nga I said something with substance and basis. I was initially planning on telling her "Don't worry, karma's there so just let things be and allow cosmic justice to do its part." I think this is the part when they say that lovers are irrational. Gross.

What I don't understand is the fact that people find it difficult to just move on. While I agree that initial attraction is never a choice, love--just like letting go-- should be a choice. You can't choose who to like because attraction transcends one's cerebrality. However, what you do about that attraction is where free will comes in. You decide whether you want to pursue someone, jump into a relationship, end a relationship or pathetically be enclosed by the memories of the past. (fine, ang harsh lang)

In our lifetime, it is axiomatic that we would eventually be required to make a choice. Hard as it may seem, we know that we have to make one. Maybe because we are fed up of our daily routines or have gotten really, really tired and frustrated of the things that we can’t have, or maybe, just maybe, we miss our comfort zones. Choices, they say, are byproducts of deep perspicacity. We all have our means and methods of arriving into one. Some hibernate and lie dormant; others impose selective jurisdictional detachment while there are some who opt for countless solicitations of advice from friends. The latter is considered as the most common and tolerable in our system. In a culture where relationships and close affinity are valued, we often go to our families and friends in order have an analysis of the situation that we are into hoping against all hopes that they can give a rationalized opinion. But sometimes, we go to our friends willing for an affirmation in the guise of asking for an advice because we know it within ourselves that we already made a decision. This is the reason why no amount of explanation is enough when our friends explicate an option especially if it counters our predisposed choice. In short, joke time lang na gusto mo ng advice kasi ang gusto mong marinig, affirmation.

To be fair, it is really hard to let go, and I am saying this in a completely unromantic way because I believe that romance and letting go are not mutually exclusive. Letting go is stress-depression-stress-depression-cry cry-depression-jiritabels-depression-parati-na-lang-may-depression. So yeah, para syang puso ko-- HARD. I have experienced being left behind countless of times (and I mean, literally). Well, I have always prided myself for having great friends and for someone who really value relationships, I have high expectations. I was never a needy friend that's why no one can fault me for feeling bad when I wanted a friend at a particular moment and no one heeded. After all, I wouldn't be caught dead ringing a friend in the wee hours of the night nor flooding his/her inbox (except in totally isolated cases of drunk texting/calling). That is soo cramping my style. That is why I appreciate friends who keep in touch despite their busy schedules. Those who contact you because they just want to hang out and enjoy your company and not just buzz or give you a text when you are needed. This is the reason why it's very hard on my part to say goodbye to my friends.

I was sad when Lucky left for China but I was more ecstatic for my Olympics stuff his adventure. Besides, he was always in the Philippines and the postcards kept on appearing on my mailbox so kebs. Then he decided to become a conference magnate in SG. No big deal. I get to receive a call for like what, minimum of 3x a week? And then Melvin went to SG, Mark to Seoul, Kevin to SG, Lucky to SG, Maren to the US and Kid and Guddz to SG. Oh man! I hate moments of weakness kasi nga strong ako. But seriously, I just try to put on a brave front when I'm with my friends. I don't want to give them the impression that I am deeply affected whenever they tell me that it's time for them to leave. After all, I don't want to spoil the anticipatory fun. I want them to continue exploring life and what the other side of the fence can offer be it in acads or in  career.

Writing this is really hard. I am an evasive shrimp who hates confronting my emotions. I always choose to be happy regardless of how crappy life is. Again, personal choice. But yeah, sometimes, I should learn to "humanize" feelings. What can I do? I have to perenially drive in yellow because I don't know when the light changes into red, signaling that I finally have to stop being clingy and just learn to let go.

Charlie St. Cloud

After a highly exhaustive negotiation and schedule bargaining, I came face to face with Zac Efron via the movie Charlie St. Cloud. I'm not a film critique and I can't revel on the high points of the movie but it's basically about brotherhood, holding on to memories, finding love, not giving up, letting go of a promise and finally moving on.

Sometimes, we hold on to our past for too long that we forget the fact that we are fencing ourselves in total  isolation from those who are capable of loving us and helping us move on to our life's next chapter. 

Princess Poshie and her movie date

 We also watched Kid's second to the last gig at Watering Hole. Wen met some of my close friends. I had to meet some debate people at Metrowalk so I had to break the party earlier. 

Princess Poshie enjoying Watering Hole =)

My debate favorites

I've been in the debate community for a long time. A lot of people would probably raise a brow upon knowing this because of the idea that we will only grow up upon leaving our comfort zones. Admittedly, debate has always been my comfort zone. But you see, debaters are strong believers that cultural perception is subjective. People don't just leave the community. There's a saying that debaters don't retire, they only become adjudicators. Right. Just like me, I did not retire (at least not yet), I only became an adjudicator. Well, since I've had my share of fabulousity in debate (pun intended), allow me to take you to a trip down memory lane as I take note of my debate favorites.

NB: these are relatively recent tournaments because I don't have the patience and the time to scan dinosaur pics :). And oh, these are local tournaments only. Might make another blog for international tourneys or tourneys participated by different nationalities.

After Debate Hang out: WAI YING

Wai ying is a chinese restaurant in Benavidez. We would often go there after a physically and mentally exhaustive debate training. Actually, Wai ying is loved by Manila debaters in general. According to Jayson, a debater from San Beda, "Hindi ka debater pag hindi ka pa nakakain sa Wai Ying". I think he's right. Debaters from as far as Katipunan go here to hang out with fellow debaters.

Post-training chill with our CSB-IVs shirt :)

Highschool Debate Tournament: PSDC (Philippine Schools Debate Championship)

PSDC is an annual debate tournament hosted by Ateneo de Manila Debate Society (ADS). I like this tournament because of its balance nature. Debate tournaments are usually toxic and stressful but PSDC always has a fun break night party. I remember the time when I was invited by ADS to become a Deputy Chief Adjuducator (DCA), we had a costume party for break night!

Adj Core in action
(with Dino from DLSU, Miko from ADMU, BJ from UP and Noel from SU)



break night party
(Berna as Sarah Palin, Jess as himself, Keith as Naruto,
Kip as Jason, Moi as Pocahontas, Jayson as a religious servant
and Gian as some random tambay sa kanto)

Announcement of winners at the Championship Dinner

Ma-drama Tournament: National Debate Championship (NDC) hosted by Ateneo de Davao University and National Debate Championship hosted by University of Baguio

Debate is really a rollercoaster ride, emotion-wise. One can celebrate like there's no tomorrow after a good round then the next moment, you can see debaters cry like a baby after a bad round or a terrible adjudication. Drama is everywhere. You can experience drama during debate rounds (this usually happens among institutions) which I consider as "external drama" or "internal drama" which happens after or before debate rounds (within your contingent). FEU is really not a "ma-issue" institution. We take pride on solidarity of its members. Basta in these two tournaments, we experienced internal drama. ;p

Pre-Championship Dinner with Steph and Jess at ADDU

We occupied a lot of rooms for our contingent but true to the
spirit of camaraderie, the kids and joeven
(he was a DCA in this tournament so he was billeted in the hotel suite)
would always gravitate to our room before going to sleep.
The drama happened in this room. hahaha

University-wide Tournament: 1st Nicanor Reyes Debate Classic

This tournament was the brainchild of the ORADEC during Gee's term as the President. It was actually a brilliant idea to expose the students to debate. Debaters are usually tagged as the school "elites", intellectual or otherwise, and this tournament helped in disproving such debate stereotype.

1st NRDC

In-house Training: Tagaytay Highlands

Before participating in a national competition, we would schedule a debate lockdown. This is a common practice of debate organizations. It is basically a debate camp where you debate, matter load and debate over and over again. It can go on for 3 days, 5 days or even longer. Our Bulacan lockdown was pretty memorable but since I don't have the patience to scan the photos, I would make do with one in-house training. This was memorable because we had one-on-one sessions. We also had group critique and bull sessions. I will never forget Gee for saying this "Honestly, hindi ko gusto yung mga bull sessions natin. I only learned one thing: kung paano magtanim ng galit." hahaha. Priceless.

laughing at our bad cases

Finally, we were able to see the sun!

PIDC tournament: 1st PIDC, Tarlac City

Philippine Inter-collegiate Debating Championship (PIDC) is a tournament hosted by the University of the Philippines Debate Society (UPDS). I love this PIDC tournament because I was able to exprience a lot of firsts: 1) This was my first time to become a DCA in a national collegiate debate competition. 2) My first time to be contingent-deprived (Mark was able to go with me and I'm perpetually grateful for that). 3) My first time to really hang out and bond with debaters from different institutions.

The 1st PIDC Adj Core (CSB, UPD, UPM, FEU, ADMU, DLSU and UST)

With debaters and adjudicators from ADMU, San Beda, DLSU and Lyceum
in my hotel room after break night party.

Fashion-friendly Tournament Venue: Baguio

During elimination rounds, debate tournament fashion is basically composed of t-shirts, shorts, jeans, tank tops and havs. Yup. Debaters seldom dress up during rounds because a room with pumped up debaters and a humid weather is a bad combination. You go for your most comfortable clothes during rounds and dress up when your team reaches octos. Baguio is a fashion-friendly tournament venue because you can experiment with your look by layering clothes and putting on accessories without fear of experiencing the oh-so-dyahe jabar while giving a make or break speech.

NDC, University of Baguio

NDC, Philippine Military Academy

Cadet Hop, PMA NDC

There you go, some of my debate favorites :)

Meet Princess Poshie

I normally love September but for this year, a huge fight with the nicest guy I know, FEU settling for 1st runner-up after topping the elimination round, a cancelled Iloilo-Boracay trip, potentially missing out on all the fun and intellectual bad-ass convo in this year's National Debate Championship, a good friend's resignation at work, and things coming short from what I expected, left me constantly singing Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends."

I guess stress took a toll on my body so I spent the first day of October getting chummies with my bed, magazines, and my personal doctors. I was able to easily recover, healthwise, but I think I also annoyed a lot of people by my constant niggling. Sorry ;p

Going to work is something that I always look forward to (sorry, tamang geek lang) and I am seriously happy that something nice is waiting for me in the office. Friends, meet Princess Poshie :)

I found her on top of my desk with a cheer-up note from my boss. Aww, that's the nicest thing that someone can do after a drama-filled month. He may be a brat like me (and I am saying that as a compliment. I'm pretty sure he would take it as such ;p), but he is really beyond awesome. Thank you for making me smile. :). I am claiming her as my mini me (bawal kumontra ;p)  so from this day on, I will take Princess Poshie wherever I go and will include her in whatever adventure I do.



Princess Poshie's view at work :)