On Letting Go...

"Letting go" is probably the most used and abused concept of emo people. I don't dwell on this too much bilang strong ako because it is just not me. I hate transparency of emotions and I am not very good in answering personal questions. So I guess, I'm really not cut out for the entertainment industry because I would probably suck at Boy Abunda's Tough Ten. (bawal mag-judge. pop culture yan) However, recent events made me analyze such. (promise, lalagyan ko ng konteng puso kasi nga the subject calls for emotional dumping. keri?)
  
Letting go is said to be the hardest thing to do and deconstruct in any kind of relationship. Mikaela even wrote a pathetic song about The Art of Letting Go. A friend of mine practically erased all the songs in her Ipod except for this one and played it every chance she got right after she broke up with her bf. Of course, I wasn't able to understand kasi ako ang nang-iwan at hindi iniwan her but being a good friend, I just let her "cherish" the pain. When she came to her senses, I told her about what I read on the basic stages of letting go. You know-- denial, grief, anger, re-entry, and preparation for a new relationship. She just incredulously looked at me and said "Why do you have to intellectualize everything? Feelings are feelings. You can't switch it on and off nor can you find a step by step guide on how to deal with it on books. OC ka na, manhid ka pa!" I'm sorry? I was just trying to help and buti nga I said something with substance and basis. I was initially planning on telling her "Don't worry, karma's there so just let things be and allow cosmic justice to do its part." I think this is the part when they say that lovers are irrational. Gross.

What I don't understand is the fact that people find it difficult to just move on. While I agree that initial attraction is never a choice, love--just like letting go-- should be a choice. You can't choose who to like because attraction transcends one's cerebrality. However, what you do about that attraction is where free will comes in. You decide whether you want to pursue someone, jump into a relationship, end a relationship or pathetically be enclosed by the memories of the past. (fine, ang harsh lang)

In our lifetime, it is axiomatic that we would eventually be required to make a choice. Hard as it may seem, we know that we have to make one. Maybe because we are fed up of our daily routines or have gotten really, really tired and frustrated of the things that we can’t have, or maybe, just maybe, we miss our comfort zones. Choices, they say, are byproducts of deep perspicacity. We all have our means and methods of arriving into one. Some hibernate and lie dormant; others impose selective jurisdictional detachment while there are some who opt for countless solicitations of advice from friends. The latter is considered as the most common and tolerable in our system. In a culture where relationships and close affinity are valued, we often go to our families and friends in order have an analysis of the situation that we are into hoping against all hopes that they can give a rationalized opinion. But sometimes, we go to our friends willing for an affirmation in the guise of asking for an advice because we know it within ourselves that we already made a decision. This is the reason why no amount of explanation is enough when our friends explicate an option especially if it counters our predisposed choice. In short, joke time lang na gusto mo ng advice kasi ang gusto mong marinig, affirmation.

To be fair, it is really hard to let go, and I am saying this in a completely unromantic way because I believe that romance and letting go are not mutually exclusive. Letting go is stress-depression-stress-depression-cry cry-depression-jiritabels-depression-parati-na-lang-may-depression. So yeah, para syang puso ko-- HARD. I have experienced being left behind countless of times (and I mean, literally). Well, I have always prided myself for having great friends and for someone who really value relationships, I have high expectations. I was never a needy friend that's why no one can fault me for feeling bad when I wanted a friend at a particular moment and no one heeded. After all, I wouldn't be caught dead ringing a friend in the wee hours of the night nor flooding his/her inbox (except in totally isolated cases of drunk texting/calling). That is soo cramping my style. That is why I appreciate friends who keep in touch despite their busy schedules. Those who contact you because they just want to hang out and enjoy your company and not just buzz or give you a text when you are needed. This is the reason why it's very hard on my part to say goodbye to my friends.

I was sad when Lucky left for China but I was more ecstatic for my Olympics stuff his adventure. Besides, he was always in the Philippines and the postcards kept on appearing on my mailbox so kebs. Then he decided to become a conference magnate in SG. No big deal. I get to receive a call for like what, minimum of 3x a week? And then Melvin went to SG, Mark to Seoul, Kevin to SG, Lucky to SG, Maren to the US and Kid and Guddz to SG. Oh man! I hate moments of weakness kasi nga strong ako. But seriously, I just try to put on a brave front when I'm with my friends. I don't want to give them the impression that I am deeply affected whenever they tell me that it's time for them to leave. After all, I don't want to spoil the anticipatory fun. I want them to continue exploring life and what the other side of the fence can offer be it in acads or in  career.

Writing this is really hard. I am an evasive shrimp who hates confronting my emotions. I always choose to be happy regardless of how crappy life is. Again, personal choice. But yeah, sometimes, I should learn to "humanize" feelings. What can I do? I have to perenially drive in yellow because I don't know when the light changes into red, signaling that I finally have to stop being clingy and just learn to let go.