The Past

My lovelife was never an open book. I may be outspoken and little Miss Sunshine, but I do have my gloomy days and I always choose to handle this aspect of my life alone. A few days ago, I saw someone who is connected with the-one-that-got-away. Obviously, I was reminded of our past. When I decided to end everything, I wanted to give him a letter to let him know how I feel but I opted to write a journal entry instead. Now that I'm super ok (at bilang nakapagmove on na ko), I decided to post it. (yes, ako na ang strong :D)     

  

      Growing up is all about accepting and living with the fact that things don’t always work out the way you want them to.

      I know that I am torturing myself by writing this entry but I guess the urge to let it flow via self-expression is more powerful than building a wall or going on detachment. Like what joevz said “Cry, then move on…”. Ironically, I can’t find it in me to cry.  I just feel empty and alone.

     I have little respect in your institution, you live for the chain of command; I love to talk, you are a man of few words; I have an erratic fashion statement, you go for plain white shirts and jeans; I enjoy the rare display of my “goldilocks mode”, you are always decisive in everything. Tsk,tsk… We are a mismatch waiting to crumble. But despite the absurdity, we made an effort to live in our own world… a world of complexity and uncertainty. My choices rarely fit yours but instead of compromising, I would end up giving in.  A world mostly composed of giving in than compromise. Not a perfect one but then again, our set-up’s even far from being normal in the first place. The realization came in a little too late mostly because I was dismissive of entertaining the thought. Dismissive because I am happy to be your “special friend”… I was happy to be your “special friend”.

     For quite some time, the distance was never an issue. I would always take pride on the fact that we feel more physically proximate than those who have each other by their side 24/7. The way you manifest faux-anger when I don’t eat on time... those constant reminders to take care, bring an umbrella and go home early… the way you say “I’m sorry” even for the smallest thing that caused me pain. You always show small acts of sweetness that never fail to envelop me in the warmth of security.  We were on the same level but definitely on different planes but we managed to get by… for a while, that is. Somehow, things are no longer the same. We have lost our enthusiasm. Lately, our conversations are mostly devoid of zeal.  The nasty predisposition that’s haunting me suddenly came to life… We have come to the end of our journey. My friend said that maybe I’m making a hasty decision but then again, I can feel that we are really drifting apart… that maybe, you have already made the same decision before I even made up mine. Maybe, I want to have a win-win case. Maybe, I sometimes have the tendency to quantify the feelings that I give and expect to get a decent part of it back. But one thing is certain, I want everything rationalized and clarified, and in our case, that was lacking. I am not shedding a tear and my friends think that I am acting cool about it but deep down, I am languishing in despondency because the fact that this experience is way out of my league fails to temper the pain from within. But that’s life. You take some risks… you fall down… you get hurt but you also have to bounce back. I know that being perpetually dissatisfied is not my style but I still have boundaries to set and sanity to keep that is why I know when to say it’s enough and when to accept that it’s all over.

     Thank you for that blissful chapter but we have to close it because I don’t want to be left in the dark dreaming of us when in reality there is only me, and only you.